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Thoughts


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02/05/03: Wow... I just realized that it's been about 9 months since I wrote in here last. I don't even know how to remember and summarize all the things that have happened. I don't even remember May of last year! Right now I'm in the media center. Josh is taking a test and then we're going to the band room. I'm a senior. I've applied to Florida Southern College, University of South Florida, University of Miami, and Pasco-Hernando Community College. I'm going to major in music management or music industry (whatever you wanna call it). Hopefully Miami or FSC will accept me.... PHCC and USF don't have music business programs. My applications have been a royal pain to fill out. But now Josh is walking my way, so I'm gonna go. I'll write later.


05/10/02: My new quote "Save the earth and screw everyone else." I'm SOOO incredibely sick of the HS bullshit. I can't get the classes I want online or at the community college, so I might not be able to graduate early- I think I'm gonna flipping shoot myself. Why is it, with me, that WHENEVER I want ANYTHING (even a nickle) I can't have it? I mean, am I alone in this one or is it just me and really bad luck. I'm aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I want to flipping rage but I can't!!! Adema songs sound way too much like me sometimes- "I'm breaking down breaking down... I cannot seem to keep from freaking out" or whatever other song... "I think about you sometimes and wanna kill you, you disrespected my pride, how could you do this?" Agh. I wanna transfer to a different school so bad sometimes. People just piss me off at Land O' Lakes. Get me out of here!! Oh oh oh and the new rage is LET'S FORCE EMILY INTO DOING THINGS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO DO! God, my b/f's mother is trying to force my mother to conning me into going to some camp PIECE OF SHIT this summer so her son will go so that HE will look good ON A GOD DAMN FUCKING APPLICATION FOR ANYTHING!!!!!! I'M GOING TO FUCKING GO NUTS!!! Emily- you must do this- WHY- because I said so- TOO BAD, IF THERE WAS A HELL, I'D TELL YOU TO GO TO IT! Argh... I need to get out on my own I need to make my own decisions and have the ends that I desire someday. I swear I'm just conning myself with my life- it's like some days I'm satisfied but others its like "what the freak am I doing here," like it's just all some sort of fallacy. Two roads diverged in a wood and I- I forgot to turn and ended up scratched up in the brush. Freak this. I'm going to bed or something like that.

02/16/02: Well... all I can say is I haven't felt like writing. Today sucked- I hate having nothing to do and knowing that all of your other supposed "friends" do. This was my horoscope for today: Annoyance turns to enjoyment as the Moon moves through Aries. Water gives way to fire. Your spirits rise with your changing condition. In a few short hours, it will seem as if nothing was ever wrong. Very true... I went from sheer piss-offedness to crying to total calmness in a matter of half a day. I haven't really talked to Josh today... it was sort of good and bad. idk, i don't wanna think about that. It's 11PM right now- talking to an old friend from BPMS... he was cool, but I don't really know him anymore. I need to occupy myself somehow, I can't write now.


01/05/02: Happy New Year and all that crap- it's just another day. But anyways let's summarize everything since the 23rd into a list- Ill, angry, SEX, stressed, restless, hopeless, lonely, sleep-deprivation, and mustard plug. Well that made no sense. w.e.
Ill- I had a cold- now I have to use a friggin' inhaler every 8 hrs.
Angry- at a supreme hypocrite who basically does anything to satisfy his "needs"
SEX- I want that, but morals are preventing that
Stressed- school, parents, anything is causing me stress (I'm a freak.)
Restless and sleep deprivation are the same thing- tired and all because I'm stressed and *ta*da* lonely. Kinda' pathetic I can't go a week w/out Josh.
Finally- Mustard Plug... ska band... good stuff.. i've got like 12 of their songs now ^_^
Aight- this sucks. Good night.


12/23/01: ...Looks like it's time for writing again. I'm listening to metallica's version of "Turn the Page," isn't that sort of ironic? W/e. Two days until christmas. Let me express my joy... ....oh wait- there isn't any. My 'rents and my b/f are impossible to find/create gifts for. We should all just celebrate the solstice and dance around under the moon all night and then pass out for the entire next day because we all drank and ate too much. ^_^ That'd be nice. C'est la vie. Some people actually believe in Christianity... no comment... actually I have about a million but I dont feel like going there.
LoL, now "My December" (Linkin Park) is on. Yeah this is my december... boring and not even very cold. Crap. I can't write right now.. L8.


12/06/01: Today is Dez's b-day, she's 17. Lucky girl. I'll be 17 when I graduate. 2nd youngest grad in the family. Ever since everyone was buzzing about my cousin graduating and beginning college at 16, I've wanted to do that. I could do that if I graduated early. Screw it though. My family doesn't give two shits about me. I wonder what it's like to be part of a big family that genuinely cares for each other. C'est la vie. It's 4th period again. What is wrong with me lately? I keep getting sick or sore or god knows what. Or something overtakes my mind. It's like whatever is bothering me is manifesting itself in different forms. A day or two ago I was surfing the net, looking for christmas gifts. When I came upon a page that sold henna/mehndi supplies, I kinda choked up. Suddenly my mom asked what was wrong with me. Of course I said "nothing" but then I had to go to bed. I couldn't stop crying once I was in my room. I don't know. Things are bizarre. Maybe it's just my worries about life, that I try to hide, are coming out. Of course there are day-to-day things but those are ignorable. For some reason, I'm under this unescapable guilt- for what? who knows. See.. everyone has their problems and they all seem to know what caused them. Why, then, can't I? Oh, god dammit, I give up.
I've gotta get shirts from tshirthell.com. A lot of their purgatory shirts kick. One says "I still hate George Bush" and others says "Anthrax.... the other white powder" or "I went to Florida and all I got was this lousy tshirt" but that's crossed out and says "lousy anthrax" ^_^
I have 4 or 5 large gifts left to buy for the holidays. Hopefully no one will be forgotten this year! That would suck-nut!
I read my friend's livejournal yesterday. It's too bad we don't go to the same school. She and I were relatively close. Oh well, I'm not switching out of this school. I'd feel like too much of an outsider because I was with that group once but no longer am. It'd be bizarre trying to go back.
That's enough of a post for today.L8.


12/05/01: Hmm- there's really nothing on my mind tonight. I just got off the phone with Josh. He's too good for me and what sucks is that I realize that. C'est la vie. Why have I been so lucky in life? I've known no real hardships except for things (depression) that I've been able to live through. Hell, it's got to be a sign of something about my future, but what? who knows. I'm gonna re-cut the rune (sol) on my ankle now. L8r.


12/04/01: Why- when I am but a child, I must know what my future shall be?
My generation has no crystal ball and surely our ealders dare not to restrain our futures- but of course they do.
Only in subtlities. They place their visions... ideas.. attitudes... all in our way. Which turns us into self-consuming demonics, forced to play out our lives like computer-generated chess. How will we ever progress when the competition never fails?
Why- When I am but a mere child, I must know how to love? Shan't I find myself first? Of course! We can learn all the adult concepts as babes, in order to be ahead of our years... ahhh, of course. This will bring progress. Or more babies. But let's not think about the longterm. That is too much for us babies to handle now. Maybe tomorrow we can be taught. Why bother? We'll figure it out someday. Teaching takes too long anyway.


11/30/01: Dammit. Why is it that the simple things so easily complicate everything? Even my b/f isn't getting things right today. I mean- he gets most things right, but if you're gonna kiss someone- kiss them! Freakin' ay! Tonight I've got fuckin' Tri-M inductions- this is the only society you have to actually do something for at inductions! Can't even have a regular Fri. night anymore and tomorrow, of course, I have to be at the band room again! Something's gotta' change! I want to do what I want to do once in awhile seeing as I'd never make it as a dancer/singer. Blah! I hate venting!

11/25/01: Wow, it's been a long time since I've written before bed. It used to be like a tradition for me. But anyways... tonight was strange. I always have these "intuitive incidents"... like all of a sudden I'll panic about a friend of mine and find out, sometime later, that something happened to him/her or his/her family. Ever since elementary school, I knew what I'd be like in high school. Thus far, I've seen all these visions born in reality. But never, have I been able to see past the K-12 life. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm going to die. Soon. Maybe it's just fear of adulthood- or not knowing that my dreams will be realized. Hmm.. I want so bad to have ONE dream come true, I just can't figure out how to start on my way... I'll figure it out.. eventually.


11/19/01: Well, last saturday we had state competition. Scored a 73.5. Lost many spaces by sickly small amounts. I'm not going there, I'm just glad we went ^_^ Anyways.. it's been a long-ass time since I've written. Life is strange lately. It's like I'm happy and everything is all wrong and some amorphous thing is controlling it all. Hrm, I haven't been depressed outwardly in a very long time- I've either supressed problems VERY well, or... have I healed? Who knows.
Marching season is over. I don't know what to do with myself anymore! (Now isn't THAT pathetic!) ...hell.. I don't have anything to write about. I'm annoyed that it's okay to blatantly teach about Christianity when studying Puritanism... or the like, but it's not okay to use Harry Potter books because of the slight chance a child may persue sorcery! BLAH! Our schools are so hypocritical and full of asswipes that I want to shoot myself. Goodnight.


11/08/01: It's amazing the things that can put you in a reminiscent mood- so may people and things are exemplifying my past. I suppose that is a good thing... maybe i shouldn't have suppressed my issues so much. But honestly, I really think writing that "apology" (more recognition than anything else) really helped me. I mean, there is someone else that caused a lot of havoc in my life but any problems between us have been resolved, or I've never cared enough to do anything about it. He is still present in my life but for some reason the cuts he gave me just dont matter. I wonder if he feels the same, I wonder if I don't matter the same way he "doesn't" matter to me. Heh, that alone means that I still do about him.. but it's more as a brother... and that doesn't seem right either. I guess it really is time to move on. Acceptance of the inevitable is such a good thing. Even though I feel a certain way about myself doesn't mean others do too. Now I have to learn to control my moods and my jealousy. At east I'm not openly evil to the people/person I'm jealous of. heh, it's so ironic to know that the "secret" problems of those people are more like yours than you'd like to admit. C'est la vie. Everyone goes through similar phases, or so it seems. I just hope that their bad times pass more quickly than mine did.
I can't denounce wicca. Too may events (uncontrolled) seem to be signs of some truth in it. No se. Some feeling keeps leading me back to this path and I don't want to deny myself something as simple as this.
(this was written in 5th... not 4th) My school is such BS. All these people do is talk about everyone else- right now my fuckin' teacher is doing it!! Blah- I wish I could talk to... someone... right now. I h8 stupid people. I miss my super-senior.


11/04/01: Agggh, at Cape Coral (Oct. 27th) we got THIRD again... and qualified for state- now we have to improve by 15 points by Nov. 17th- we're not going to get them... I know it- c'est la vie, maybe we'll place again- that'd be cool.
I really have nothing to write about, it's like for the past few weeks I've been dead but sorta' happy and confused all at once. Last night I "camped" with a couple people at a local park- it was probably the most boring experience ever. Oh well. I'm numb mentally, so I'm out- PLUR.


10/21/01: Yesterday was another band competition- no one was on their game, we took 3rd in division, best music, best percussion, and best drum major again. There were a LOT of reasons we didn't do as well as we could have yesterday, I don't even want to think about it. Heh, bus rides... once again... that was *so* the best part of the night. This kid I've been hangin' out with lately is cool. LoL, I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow =0p We have two practices and a game this week- then on saturday we have competition in Cape Coral- very cool. That day should rock just because it will and I dont feel like writing out why. My mind is racing right now. Just blithering. Finally got myself a hoodie!!! And of all places... I found it at a Harley/Leather shop at a flea market. That's okay though, I love harley stuff- I swear I WILL have a motorcycle before I have a car..... *drools over that thought* Ahem, sorry for that =0p Anyways I need to go float on my cloud for awhile- L8. Heh, this is a pic of me from the no-longer existent Wal-Mart in New Port Richey, FL- enjoy!

Me... sort of


10/15/01: Maybe I've finally come upon one of the causes of my issues. Something that occurred in 8th grade has always been manifest in me, and I haven't moved on. I never resolved what happened, I finally realized that just because I went to a different school didn't mean that things would be automatically healed. I spent my entire freshman year hating myself, going through periods of starvation, I even tried binging but that just made me cry. I still keep a bottle of pills that I know could kill me in my dresser. But I dont think that was entirely due to 8th grade, there was someone else who severely impacted my life during that time and still does. Anyways, tenth grade was not much better. My close friends that were seniors were gone and I was alone in the only class that I liked, band. I wasn't suicidal but I was still very sad, possibly lonely. I wasn't in marching band and believe it or not, that really does separate you from anyone else in band. I hated school. I almost hated my "friends." IB was the worst thing that could have happened to me that year. Then summer came and I knew I was no longer in IB. A HUGE weight was lifted from my life because of this- there is so much BS in that program that I can't even begin to talk about it. Now 11th grade begins, and I feel so much better than I have for the past three years. I'm in marching band again, I have so many more friends, I have time to actually live life outside of school! But then we have a game against the school I should go to... I was so happy to see my old friends but things had changed so much that I felt I no longer knew the people that were so close to me even though I hadn't talked to them in a LONG time. Sure, life continue's I seem to be doing alright, life is just there and there are no big problems mentally or actually going on. But then I get depressed and "homesick" for ridgewood out of the blue, I think it's because of my other friend serving as a reminder. We were talking about it and that's how I realized I never resolved what happened. I can't talk to them face to face, I wouldn't know how but I'd LOVE to see them and just hang out at Joe Muggs again. All I have to say is- that I now realize how much of a bitch and a fool I've been and was. I need to apologize but don't really know how. I screwed up a friendship with an absolutely awesome person (Ash) because I was mad and did actually have some strong emotions for this guy (no need for name) and this other girl.. I can't believe I was so cruel to her. I was so pushy and just wanted to get what I wanted for ONCE. I did and ended up with two enemies and possibly three when I broke up with the guy. I am so incredibly sorry for screwing things up for everyone, I got in the way when I shouldn't have. Things weren't what I wanted to them to be. I messed up so bad, I'm still paying. I can't even know if I'm forgiven- hell, I think I'm more forgotten by them. I'm sorry for fucking things up when if I hadn't been around, so many issues could have been resolved without friction, I'm so sorry. I wish they could know that they haven't been the only ones who have suffered. All I want now is my friends, I wish I could go back to them. C'est la vie I suppose- "two roads diverged.... and I chose the one less traveled" I miss you guys.


10/14/01: Well, it's been awhile since my last post. Homecoming.. was like the first homecoming i went to- it sucked. But... on a better note, yesterday our band had it's first competition. We placed third out of 8 in the division. We had best percussion over 18 bands (one of which was a performing arts school) and best drum major in our division- 2nd overall. That's way better than I expected, overall it was an awesome night. LoL, band bus rides are so bizarre- no one could possibly understand unless you're part of it. That's all I can say. Today was very dull. I actually woke up, cleaned the living room, and went back to sleep for 3 or 4 hours because of boredom. C'est la vie.
Why is it, that I am unable to keep thoughts of relationships out of my head? I keep saying "don't bother, if there's someone there for you, he'll come along" and then I dont have to deal with any of that shit for awhile, then something will happen- no matter what- and I'm off thinking abour relationships and what is wrong with me once again. It's bizarre. I mean, it's not taking over my life or anything, but it's an annoying little voice in the back of my head. Owell- i'm tired. L8


10/01/01: Day so far... 1st- we're reading the Crucible- need I say more?
2nd- Didn't do anything... got a worksheet if that counts for anything. We spent most of the class laughing at a couple of the seniors that were bought in the senior auction. Both guys had to dress up as chicks, it was soooo incredibly gross. Especially since one of them was wearing a size 90000000000 thong. *shudders*
3rd- Homecoming music sucks. We're playing "Just You 'N Me" while the homecoming court walks on the field. The piece is good but not as marching music.
4th- Sucks. I'm in 4th now, most of my posts are written in this class.
The next class, Amer. Hist, won't be too bad- We're going to the media center. 6th period sucks nut everyday. Oh well.
Oh yeah- today is the first day of Homecoming week. Monday= safari day; Tuesday= decade day; Wednesday= PJ day (the best day, of course); Thursday= class day (Juniors are bums); Friday= spirit day. We're playing against Hudson High. Saturday the dance. I still don't know who to go with. Either one of the fish (freshmen) or one of the people from Ridgewood.
The bell's going to ring... I've barely written anything- sorta- w/e Ciao!


09/27/01: Today is, of course, very boring.
1st period: read a story that is boring enough to make me wish I was never born.
2nd period: this class is incredibly easy or maybe just dull. Spanish sucks if you don't have a good teacher.
3rd period: "Theory thursday" I want to learn REAL theory, not just the basics. 4th period: is where I am again. It sucks. I have no passes to run and there's someone I wanna see that's in "b" lunch.
Heh, forgot to write about lunch... oh yeah, wow, IT SUCKED. My friend is either a total fake or complete bitch... I still can't figure out which- i miss "b" lunch!!
5th period: is going to suck
6th period: oh what a suprise, it's gonna blow too!! See a pattern yet?
Oooo, I have Jazz after school today... joy. I just wanna go home for once!! If there's time, I'll write another entry after school. Ciao.

09/25/01: I still can't write about what happened on September 11th. Maybe soon, but there are no words now. This past saturday, however, we (the band) had a car wash to raise money for the NYC Fund... our total was about 1,600 dollars *AND* the company that owns Florida Power matched that- so there was about 3,200 dollars total from a fuckin' car wash. That's mad shit.
Right now I'm about falling asleep.
It's 4th period.. and it's quite boring. This is my day:
1st period, English: I'm so lucky, I actually finished my vocab book thing before we had to turn it in and we read some incredibely boring shit from the back of the "Crucible" books... and we have HW. The only good thing was eating my generic lucky charms.
2nd period, Spanish: Spanish... I miss the IB teacher for spanish. He's 20 thousand times better and more interesting a person that the schmoe I have now. I'm doing the same work I did three years ago in Spanish one!! C'est la vie. Es la vida. Oh yeah.. i had more generic lucky charms. Now that's good shit. =0p
3rd period, Band: By far my favorite class, it's simple and some of best friends are in there. Lunch: is boring as hell. I switched into that lunch so I could see my old IB friends... but hell- they're boring as fuck! "B" lunch was SO much better.
4th period, Clinic Peer: I'm in 4th right now. What can I say... I'm a peer. For the -clinic- *Personal reccomendation: don't ever peer for the clinic! There's nothing to do!
Now I have to finish this after school. Well, the schedule part anyway.
I've finally started to catch up with the lives of some of my friends at RHS or those who've graduated. Most of them seem to doing well... I think. I've gotta get ahold of the people that I went to dinner with like every other week. Heh, on friday is the LOLHS vs. RHS game. I'm psyched! It's so pathetic! Aight... I'll write more later.
Heh, two days have passed.

5th period, History: I don't like history too much. This particular class is strange. There's nothing really to say about it. 6th period, Anatomy: Someone please shoot me. My teacher is so freaking annoying. She's got one of those droning voices and always says "okay" but stretched out and completely monotone or she says "Ladies and gentlemen" in the middle of every statement... "I'd like to, ladies and gentlemen, go over the properties of ladies and gentlemen, cheese" Now how much sense doest that make? Gah. Whatever. That's *not* getting anyone's attention. C'est la vie. I don't feel like writing more.


09/03/01: I'm feeling very reminiscent tonight. Of a specific few years.. people. Someone I don't even know anymore, it makes me want to go home. So much has changed in the past few years, I don't think I really realized that until now. The whole middle-school thing was very sheltered but it helped me out a lot and rather than continue with that comfort with that group of people, I totally upset everything and willfully changed my direction. And I could have gone back to that group of people, but I didn't. What does that say about me? or life? You really can never go back? Bah. I dont want to think about that. I want to think about things that have happened. Dabbled in a little too many different things in the past 4 (?) years (emotionally) I suppose. I'll be better off in the end. I'll just say that and see if it'll make things okay. I don't want to go to college anymore. I want to sit in fields where the wind speaks more than the people and write about everything and anything of mind. Heh, hell, I'm too scatterbrained to ever make any sense- ex- this whole website and especially this entry. But I don't care about this. So.. now I've totally lost all track of the 90 things going on in my head. I miss a lot of people, being with them- knowing who they are- knowing that they are okay. I want to make things right but when I don't know if things are bad, what am I supposed to do? (In case u didn't pick it up by now, I have no intention of making sense through any order) this weekend sucked. technically the week has started (it's monday) but I had the day off. I really cannot stand being at home. I shed a few tears every now and then from boredom. -Literally- I'd love to have the talent/quality of Alicia Keys. She rocks. Omg. I Shouldn't watch TLC- it made me depressed as hell....... for a few minutes anyway.... there was something on about the face- I grabbed a mirror afterwards and realized that my eyes are deformed! If someone looks at my face a little too long they'll notice that my eyes are two different sizes... it drives me nuts!!! My lips are a bizarre shape too, but that doesn't bother me, my eyes have never looked good to me- they've ALWAYS, since BIRTH had bags under them- not the kind u can hide with makeup or sleep either- and now I see that they're noticably two different sizes. My personal reccomendation- DONT LOOK IN A MIRROR TOO LONG. IT'S MUCH BETTER TO BE NAIVE OF YOURSELF. Well. In phsyical specifics anyway. I'm babbling, so I'm leaving. -out.

08/25/01: Don't we all know those times where you can't help but feel alone? You could be in the hottest club and still hear the crickets chirping after everyone has left and the janitors are cleaning up. I hate nights/days like this. You're tired of everything and something is nagging at you- not necessarily the heart, but something smaller, more indefinite than that. Something is just eating away at you, it's almost indescribable because it is so diluted a pain. And of course, it feels like the only resolution is to be held in someone's arms, just to be with someone who cares for you/or you for that person, but that would be impossible. I hate nights like this.


08/22/01: There is something very wrong with staying at school for 13 hours a day. I don't mind though. Today is only 10 1/2 hrs. There's nothing much to write about. I'm very monochromatic (? I know what I mean. =0\) feeling right now. Heh, I was trying to work on business plans and discovered just how much -good- goth/raver wear sells for. Especially formal-goth and wiccan ritual garb. I found this dark purple/black velvet cape selling for about $200. I figure, since I know the true price of velvet and thread/binding/etc. - I can make some quality shiznit and sell them for more realistic prices. For a local business, selling gothwear can be really successful. The only decent shops around here are like Hot Topic. And even still... the people who shop there basically religiously, look alike. If anyone truly wants unique gear, they can buy my shiznit. Whatever. It'll never happen.
Gah, I can't kill another half an hour writing another entry. I must be slackin' off if I have time to write. Hopefully I'll be able to make a new site soon. Maybe a band (rock-related type deal) site. Aight- screw this.


08/21/01: I got some quite shocking news today. I'm not even going to bother saying what. I think I', still in shock actually. I'm still just the immature girl who doesn't really give a rats-ass about anything anymore. "Oh? You're pregnant? So?" or "You're on E again? Whatever grates ur ballz" It's like I've turned into the guy on the tractor in the first part of the Grapes of Wrath. He's one of the people of the land and yet he is still destroying his neighbors' homes without care. One of the men left on the land asks him, how he could possibly do this to his people. He replies that "he jes' can't think about that." He's got his own family to feed. I might not be destroying things but it's just gotten too hard to worry about everyone. In the end, all people need to make their own choices- I don't want to change anyones mind anymore. Worry really just has to do with a secret satisfaction of ego. If someone is worried for you, then maybe they care for you also. It's too bad I can't think that's true anymore. There have been so many incidents in which people have gone behind my back with something I trusted them with or have given me a false sense of security, that I can't even take pleasure in subconscious, natural reactions from a friends worry. Playing victim and witness to so many horrible mistreatments that human beings do to each other is a very bittering experience.


08/19/01: The first week of school has come and gone- Only 175 days left! I like school and hate it all at the same time. Some people are cool and some are just little pissants that look like every other little pissant. It's SO strange to be in regular classes instead of IB (International Bacculareaute <-- no idea if that's right). I'm not used to having different people in my classes- IB was very, very sheltering. Thanks to band and other IB-dropouts, I didn't have to worry about meeting a lot of new people. Heh, I'm too lazy to even put energy in that anymore. Overall though, I'm really glad I'm not in IB. I didn't need the limitations it placed on me and no college gaurantee's what the IB committee's say they gaurantee. So- whatever- it's your choice. I'm more creative than a new IB program ever could be.
Blegh, I'm in a really messed up mood lately, going out with some of my friends today did not help. I guess my morals are different from most people... or have stayed the strongest or something.. or whatever happened a long time ago has really messed up my mind. I won't and haven't told anyone what I did many many years ago and I don't intend to. I just wish there was some way to tell people what is wrong with me without being judged about it. I'm sick of being unfairly judged- there are so many little things that it just hurts after awhile, so I've taken to keeping some things to myself. It's twisted and complicated. A child's mind can easily be molded- even by other children.
The whole issue is about sex, btw. I mean.. one of my friends had sex with his date the first time they were out and another waited a month, but this kid is on parole for dealing drugs and is 7 years older than her. Then someone else close to me has taken on the 'I might as well have fun while I can' attitude. I mean... I understand it but still, I expected more from her. I don't think I'll wait until I'm married or anything but please.. so many people just think sex is no big deal. The act isn't but the effects could be- I'm sorry, I don't want to live with an STD, like AIDS/HIV and all that- not to mention the chance of pregnancy if you're not on the pill an shit. I just don't want to mess things up for me more than I already have messed things up. Hopefully nothing horrible will happen to my friends either. It's their lives, they can live it how they want.



08/10/01: Well if anyone is a jinx, I am the queen. Yesterday I wrote that I had a totally different attitude... that didn't last long! Took a big dive today. I'm getting worried about a lot of things. I see the troubles and the things going on with so many people around me that make me wonder- why doesn't anything happen to me? I'm sick of feeling like the oddball but if you could logically separate out "typical" (whatever the hell that is really, i dont know) from me- there's a huge gap. Not much fits in with the norm. I mean being unique is definitely the best way to be but there are times when you wish you could relate to your peers. Whatever, I'm tired.

08/09/01: Daaamn, it's been awhile since I've written anything here! Well let's see... I guess all the shit entries before this one are of a totally different attitude than I have now. I don't remember writing anything about band, but here it comes. Practices began every monday in the beginning of July. Then was band camp which went suprisingly well. The band is definitely bigger and *going to be* better than last year. I don't really know what to say about all this crap without boring you. Band camp is absolutely NOTHING like American Pie!!!!!!!!!! It's funny but it's JUST a movie, not reality. w/e. There are some cool freshman this year, everyone is pretty cool. Although I'm not so sure I can say the same for some of the sophomore's... oh well.
School starts on monday!! 4 days away! And I still dont have my work done! *blegh* I'm only looking forward to this year in the sense that it brings me one year closer to being OUT of high school! Aight since I'm bored as hell, and really not into the intellectual mood (thank god) I'm gonna go to work. Ciao!


07/16/01: Just a side note: I have no clue why I am posting this! It is all rambling from about 3AM after reformatting my computer (HELL, this computer's going to HELL!! LoL) Okay- so just be afraid of this entry, it's lame.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. Maybe this is the reason that no one can view themselves in the same way others do. The body, or house, contains the soul and emotions and spirit of the being. Like the soul, the house appears entirely different from the outside than from the inside. On the outside we never are able to experience the contents of the house. The windows are those few chances for one of the closest experiences possible between two beings.
Unless we're talking about sex... LoL... Told you it was bad! C'est la vie- peace.


07/12/01 11:26PM: I have absolutely no idea what to write about, I just need to write. I think I might start posting my 'ads'- they're mostly things from Bazaar (mag.) heh, I have yet to figure out why I've saved some of them. I like everything strange I suppose.
Tomorrow is Friday.. for some reason that thought is depressing beyond speakable words. Time is passing me so quickly- I'm in a rush but something just doesn't feel right about time *actually* going so fast. Be careful what you wish for? Heh. Maybe my wiccan tendencies caused this- or I'm just imagining things again.
Has anyone ever thought that typical human life is almost totally counter-instinct? I mean... if you boil things down, humans are a lot like the "lower" (sarcasm) animals in the chain. Could it be possible for us (humans) to be as so-called-advanced as we are if family institutions and traditions were never created?
Aight- I'm hella' tired and I need to get up early tomorrow so- sorry for the useless-jabber- write more in the A.M.


07/12/01 12:12AM: Natural attraction can be such a pain in the ass. Especially when the attraction outweighs the attraction of someone more "suitable" for yourself- someone who matches. The good-girl who falls for the bad-boy is a classic story, but for some reason, that story seems too simple for me. So many people see what should not be between two people and then do stupid things like create viscious gossip about the people or start fights... anything just blatantly idiotic! Why can't a person's humanity just be accepted?? Academics and clothing and personal history's do not neccesarily define the quality of a person now! Sadly I had to come to that seemingly simple realization in a difficult way. (I won't go into it- too complicated) Preaching isn't exactly my thing (I hope) but people really should find more toleration of the little-things in their lives. I know that I will definately try to practice this and try to accept things on a lighter-value.


07/09/01 11:29PM: Blaaah.... I wish I was a robot. A *primitive* robot... like a darlek or however you spell it- they didn't really have too much as far as emotions go. "Destroy, destroy" Yeah. I could live with that. If I ever went to a shrink, he/she should give me a note that excuses me from any crime I'd ever commit because I am so -internally- manic that there is no telling what I might do. C'est la vie.
I need to read my books for school... but for some reason I just can't bring myself to. I truly feel, for some reason, that highschool ended and I just didn't know it at the time. Being in high school... why is that such a ridiculous idea to me? Someone needs to tell me to slow down. I think I might be dead if I did slow down though. I'm going crazy!!!!
Okay... someone pick my career for me. Either fine arts and fashion photography, photojournalism, audio producer/engineer, or a techie person. I cant choose. (What a shock, right? hah.) Maybe by some slight chance in the universe I'll be able to become famous by partaking in a band or somehow become a dancer... (heh- not the kind that strips either) Did you know the Knicks have a really awesome dance team? I would SO love to have their job!! C'est la vie. I'll stop blabbering- you probably have something better to be doing. L8R.


07/03/01 8:16PM: Sunday night was strange. I felt so weak.... physically and mentally fragile. *Very* unusual... if I could have drawn a picture it would be a body with everything crumbling from the mind down, on the inside. Weird- that feeling went away on Monday morning though. Now everything just feels out of place- or I do. Heh, I'm finally asking those questions that everyone asks- "Why am I so different" all that type of good stuff. And to think, I thought I finally found a reasonably decent idea of that last year- hopefully this wont be permanently annual. Heh, if only I had artistic talent... I would do so much with all these ignorant ideas in my head.
I had my first band -geek- practice on Monday also. There are so many freshman, it's strange... Overall we started out a LOT better sounding than last year... I'm not sure if I'm going to march this year or get a job or volunteer somewhere... I could help build the "Werner-Boyce Salt Springs State Park." I don't mind that kind of outdoor work and, of course, I need the hours.
(Side-thought) I give up! I'm so sick of being undecisive about everything; I want a brain transplant, dammit!
Well, tomorrow is the Fourth of July... *two cheers for these damn commercial holidays* Does anybody really know what this day is supposed to be about anymore? C'est la vie. Im still going to take part in the festivities. Heh.. this will be like the fourth or fifth time I've seen Harry Dash. Actually.... the first time I even heard of them will be one year ago tomorrow. Aight... that's enough of my ramblings... besides, it's lightninging like mad- gotta shut the comp down. Paz.


06/27/01: I pity those who lack any sense of spirituality. Think about it. Religion (and the like) is the one decision that, for many people, is left entirely up to them or can be chosen for themselves later in life if not given the choice from the start... it's not chosen by a commercial society but by the person. That type of choice is extremely rare. Society even plays in when one is trying to choose their partner in life! Not being spiritual, to me, is a submission of yourself to society. You become a drone in a huge melting-pot where everyone's choices are pre-determined and life is planned. Go to school. Go to college and/or get a job. Get Married. Retire. Die. (Of course death can be in any of those places but that is the general plot of life.) I have never wanted to be a part of this lifestyle. The only ways I've found out of this "sick-cycle carousel" (Lifehouse, lol) is by observing a spiritual outlet. No one told me to choose wicca.. no one forced me into a certain belief (heh, thank you mom and dad) the only thing 'forcing' me to this choice was myself, and the connection I felt I've had with the Earth and the spirit ever since I was very little. Agh.. if only closed minds came with closed mouths.


06/26/01: I'm so bored. Being in this house and feeling tied down just does not work for me. I've picked up painting, more or less, again. I can't seem to do anything well except for the abstract. That could be a good thing- who knows. who cares. When I'm stuck home like this things that have happened start to replay themselves in my head and, like a lot of people, I start to overanalyze... like "wow, he really said that.. but did he mean what he said? it sounded serious... but I can't tell what is a joke and what's not anymore" or "I can't believe anyone can be doing this to me. People change I guess.. but this was so drastic! What's wrong with me that would make him/her just vanish like that??" Heh, I'm the queen of paranoia and insecurity. Hopefully things will change for the better as I get older. I feel so out of it I can barely explain myself anymore. I'm gone. Maybe more later. Peace.


06/24/01 11:20PM: I hate feeling unstable and hollow. It's horrible. Unstable because two people are making my life hell and they don't even know it. And hollow because I'm just now recognizing the realities around me that I should be living in but, doubtfully, ever have- I dont want to leave *my* reality. It's so pathetic- it's been so long since I've "left" this world that I've become a creature of habit in it- whenever something is just slightly off I become paranoid or upset or just, in general, bothered. Like I am tonight... I hope I can stay in Clearwater with family for a week or something. I just need to be out of this house and this county. Away from these people that just seem to be walking reminders of everything that is wrong that I can no longer fix.


06/22/01 11:31PM: I relate so well with the song "Runaway" by Linkin Park... so much of it just says how I feel almost all the time. "I wanna runaway and never say goodbye" If I had the opportunity to just up and leave this state, and all my so-called friends behind, I would- in a heartbeat. But no one is so blessed with a blank slate like that. C'est la vie. Still a good song to relate to. A lot of Linkin Park songs are like that. They're literally screaming how you might feel at a certain time about someone/thing- not just fucking or nonsense like most bands do. I still like the bands that scream about fucking and nonsense though...
I'm going to Orlando to see a DCI show (Drum Corp show) but I dont really want to go... originally I was gonna go to New York because the championship was in my hometown and lasted a week but I couldn't because it starts when I have school. And for some reason this show just doesnt seem like it'll be what I had hoped to see at all. It's strange- maybe I'm homesick. Which in it of itself is odd because I haven't been to New York in about six years!!
End quote: "He who angers you conquers you." -Elizabeth Kenny
There are times when it's good to be hated...


06/22/01 10:05PM: Yesterday was the solstice... overall things didnt go as I planned but it was nice to have an informal-solitary ritual. My meditation worked completely it was awesome. Total separation of mind and body. Screw the people that say you can only do that with drugs... I prefer not to cheat on crap like that. If you're not altered by drugs then you're more aware of the experience. Whatever. The only thing semi-dissapointing about yesterday was my scarring. (Don't ask.. its part of what I felt the need for) I wanted to put the rune of the sun on my ankle... but only the diagonal scratches showed.... now it looks like i have Isa (ice rune) on my ankle twice- that can't be a good omen. C'est la vie.


06/19/01 3:05PM: "'drinks are for kids....' You should get out the hashpipe... the chances of it killing you is greater." (think Weezer..) I can be such a bitch but I dont understand the whole getting drunk to forget your problems idea. I mean... what a waste of time and money. All you're doing is diluting the problem so that it looks like nothing until it comes back screaming with a hangover. Whatever- I'm not dealing with it, someone else is.
I think my whole "depressive" state is over for awhile. I've discovered that I will be able to go to college *and* have time to do the things I want to in the next few years. Also, I've decided to let myself look like a total hypocrite to Justin. It happens and I'm sick of denying myself certain things just to prove my point. (even indirectly) This is my life so you can take your opinions and shove it. I can't have this whole not-in-control-of-life thing going on- I have the power to live for myself. (yes- I'm selfish, greedy, vindictive... say what you will) It's about friggin' time that I got back to work with my life.


06/18/01 10:31PM: Argh... this site is getting annoying to update... I'm so lazy but w/e. Lately I've become totally absorbed in trying to get out of this country, or so it seems. I want to do a foreign exchange thing the second half of my junior year and something in the summer...living in Mexico or Australia for three months and then exploring the Brazilian rainforests doesn't sound too bad does it? My other way out of the country (sort of) is getting into an interim program before I go to college- basically taking anywhere between a semester to two years off working on some particular thing before heading to school, like the americorps, peacecorps, or city year... I've found a lot of art-related things in Italy and France... I'm hoping to find a photography program/internship type thing in a spanish-speaking place. (I've only taken 6 years of it, lol) Also... if I'm able to take part in these programs I can earn credit and $$ for college- a very big plus.

I think I'm manic!! One minute I can be happy and the next near-suicidal.... there is something wrong with me, anyone off the street could tell me that. Maybe I just need to work more or something... get my mind off of what's bothering me. **trying not to think about two people in particular** blegh- school will be here soon enough and hopefully I'll have a job by then at least. Eh.. should stop living in the reality in my head- what color are the stars in your world?


06/15/01 12PM: My mind is a very bad place to live. I crave so much to be able to get in a car and just drive.... and just go and go and go- and be able to spend a day living and existing alone. Being able to just be who I want to be for that time and then come back when I'm a little better. Things are going to be so different when I get out of this house.. out of high school even. It feels as though I've been living in this false reality my whole life and that maybe, just maybe, it'll end when I can be on my own. The only good news I have lately is this foreign exchange program.. I might be gone for a year or three months in another country, away from EVERYONE I know, That would be heaven... actually, I'm off to fill out the application now. There will probably be another entry later today. Ciao.


06/14/01 11PM: I don't know what to write... I'm so in shock and stressed and just going crazy right now!! First thing.. I find out that there's no money for college- so i truly have to rely on a scholarship and have to work my ass off (job as well as school) to be able to get into college... there go all my hopes for dancing! (No time for training) And today.. my father comes home with the nerve to tell me about how he wanted to buy this van for only 6k.. when he already has a van... that was bought less than a year ago. (Both used) He knows i have no cash for college and all he is interested in are his cars and his astronomy toys? (amateur-astronomer) Gee, Dad. Thanks. I guess i know where your priorities are. Who knows.. maybe I'll get lucky if I work hard enough.

Then... just about an hour ago I had to say "goodbye" (more or less) to someone very close to me. He wanted us to have some type of better-than-friends relationship... but that is just not what I want with my life right now. It's hard to hurt someone.. but I was using him the way things were going. I thought we were just really good friends and could stay that way without having to deal w/ all this. Guess I was wrong. Now he tells me about this spiral of depression he'll be going into and the only option I have is to tell him to be strong and learn to live as an independant and free being. ...let's just say he hasn't done that in a very long time.. and it was only bad times when he was "free"-- of course. The pattern of unsympathy in me continues. Also tied with this "goodbye" meant an indirect goodbye to someone whom I wanted to be close with... because if I ever became more than friends with this other person I'd be a hypocrite.
Emily.. turn off the waterworks- this is how I'm supposed to be, right? Cruel and unforgiving? A survivor 'til death. Yeah...right. (and yes, im a schizo =0p)


06/09/01 8:38: Jealousy... is an extremely powerful emotion. I just had a horrible moment of realization of how jealous I am of this girl that I don't even know! All I've seen is her screen name and face in school... to me she's the dreaded "OTHER" girl... a threat. Ouch- hopefully there'll be an easy way around this situation. Of course I won't know until I find out some more info about the relationship he and she have- heh... my suspicion and mistrust thrives once again. I really should think about deeper things- lately it's just too much to handle and I'll end up in another round of depression- when will this end?!


06/09/01- 6:43PM Once again... I have people angry at me. I think I should be famous for this uncanny talent.... but it's deserved anger- "I'm vindictive and cruel and capable of anything." (a line in the book Woman Hollering Creek) And that's exactly how I am towards almost everyone... or everyone that is fun to have mad at me.
Hard emotions are so much easier to have than it is to have nice emotions. That's the truth.. no matter how it's looked at... well, that's the truth for me anyways... It's hard to be forgiving all the time-- there are only so many times you can say "I'm sorry" before you start to get mad. And think about it... when your friend walks in and what he/she is wearing just looks horrible, but you say "Hey, nice *whatever*" anyway, isn't the little voice in your head saying "Omg... what the HELL are you wearing?" Who knows. Maybe it's just the way I am... a very messed-up loner. It's easy for me to be mean and not trust people... but the mistrust only came from when I was able to trust people easily- experience really does shape the soul. You can't become something just by reading the book.